I have a good friend whose young daughter passed away when she was only a few months old due to a rare brain disease. These are some tips she passed along to me that helped her in supporting her children through the grief process.
1. If you have a terminally ill child, be honest throughout the process with the siblings about what is happening - in a way that they can understand. Share with them things that you find out as you hear them. For example, “____ is not as strong as you are and may not grow up to do the things that you can do.’
2. After the death - be honest about how you are feeling. If you are having a sad day, share that with them and ask them for their support - for example, “Mommy needs extra hugs today, because I’m feeling sad about your sister”.
3. Respect that their need to grieve and their timetable for it may be different from yours. Don’t get upset if they seem to have forgotten and be happy quicker than you can be.
4. Always acknowledge the dead child as one of them. She/ he is part of their identity. If they were 3 children, then they still are, even if only 2 of them are still alive. Your children still have 2 siblings each and need to continue to feel that 3rd presence.
5. Be understanding if their grief comes out in a change in their behavior.
Be watching for a list of books to come soon!
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