How to Teach Your Child the Concept of Respect
(This is a brochure I found at my church. I scanned it and have the publishing information at the end.)
As he looks at the umpire following a questionable call in the division playoffs, eleven-year-old Josh throws down his baseball glove and screams, “You don’t know what you’re talking about!”
Josh’s mother later expresses her confusion and hurt to a family counselor. “We’ve always tried to teach our kids to treat other people with consideration,” she says. “They know the Golden Rule by heart. We’ve tried to teach them the way our parents taught us. I just don’t understand this behavior. What can we do?”
Whether it’s on the ball field, in the classroom, or at home, respect for adult authority has dropped to an all-time low among today’s youth. Some blame the dip on society’s expressed values, some fault the song lyrics on popular radio stations, and others accuse parents’ own fears of disciplining their children.
The new sense of entitlement that children and adolescents portray offers their parents, teachers, coaches, and leaders a new challenge to earn and receive respect. Since no one can make children or teenagers respect parents, other authority figures, or even themselves, the responsibility for producing change rests on exemplary behavior of parents and other significant adults.
What Can You Do?…(read on)
What Can You Do?
Recognizing that all you can control is your own efforts, what can you do to bring about change in your child’s behavior? Here are a few suggestions:
* Be a good example by demonstrating respectful behavior toward your own child as well as others. Often children imitate the behaviors of their parents, whether good or bad.
* Know that the work you are beginning with your child will take time. Giving a child respect and modeling respectful behavior will produce results, but not immediately. Be patient and consistent in your efforts.
* Expect respectful behavior from your child, regardless of the particular situation or environment. Be consistent, clear, and specific as you work with your child. Do not make vague requests or count on your child to make the right assumptions; instead, set clear expectations and boundaries for appropriate and desired behaviors. You’ll want to look for a comfortable balance between your parental expectations and your natural desire for easy, peer-like interaction with your child.
* Let each day be a new beginning. Once you have corrected your child for disrespectful behavior, including appropriate consequences, allow your child to have a fresh start. Encourage your child to learn from mistakes and move forward.
* Remember that you cannot afford to base your estimate of your success as a parent on the social, academic, or verbal performance of your child. All you can do is manage your own behavior and set boundaries and examples for your child. Recognize that you may not receive appreciation and honor for the work you’re doing now with your child until your child matures and perhaps has children of her or his own.
Steps to Building Respect…(read on)
Steps to Building Respect
As you strive to set a good example for your child, remember that there are many aspects of respect. You may find it helpful to keep the following “checklist” handy.
Regard. Offering unconditional, positive regard for your child shows that he or she matters to you. Making time to give your child your undivided attention will help your child to feel “My parent is concerned for me.” Children rarely respect a parent if they don’t feel the parent respects them. Helping your child feel valued will cause him or her to develop self-confidence. Assuring your child of her or his worth can help to increase your child’s ability to make acceptable choices and decrease her or his self-deprecating behaviors and hurtful language.
Positive speech. Children often “run” from conversations with their parents because they want to avoid being talked to, put down, or preached to. Avoid harsh and emotionally charged remarks, such as “Your attitude is going to make me have a heart attack!” and “I’ll be surprised if you don’t end up in prison.” Refrain from saying anything that will lead to feelings of resentment or hate. Everything you say to your child should encourage connection. Children who hear positive speech learn positive speech.
Sensitive listening. Take time to listen to your child. Let your child know that you understand his or her feelings before you offer advice or instruction. Children experience frustration and resentment when parents seem indifferent to their thoughts and feelings. When a child is in the middle of a crisis or a strong emotional reaction, he or she wants to be understood without having to divulge everything that he or she is experiencing. Remember, dismissing a child’s emotions will cause the child to assume that most of his or her views are inferior and unwanted. Listening to your child will help him or her to feel empowered.
Acceptable compromise. Share your thoughts and ideas with your child without belittling your child. Approaching each issue or confrontation with the “I’ve-got-to-win” mentality almost always results in a battle. Remember that children have more energy than parents and can argue without end because winning is everything to them, too! Using a give-and-take approach will begin to result in acceptable compromises. This type of conversation isn’t defensive or angry. It ensures a reasonable form of win-win.
Consideration. Engage your child in healthy conversations by always being willing to consider the truth of what he or she is saying even those statements you may find personally hurtful. This openness will allow you to accept the truth of what was said and respond appropriately. Too often we react defensively to the disrespectful reactions of our children. Cutting off a real discussion can result in an unproductive standoff. Consider the truth, and don’t let your child’s emotions hinder quality communication even if it seems disrespectful to you.
Correcting Disrespectful Behavior Now…(read on)
Correcting Disrespectful Behavior Now
Your child may be exhibiting some behaviors that you need to stop immediately. If so, you need a simple plan that you can enact consistently whenever disrespectful behavior occurs. For best results, tell your child about the plan in a clear and unemotional way. Children should feel that they are in control of the positive or negative outcome of their behavior. Revise the following plan as necessary to fit your own situation and needs:
- When alone, stop and think about what changes you would like to see in your child’s behavior. Make a list of desired behaviors and a list of unacceptable behaviors. Try to be as specific as possible.
- Determine consequences for the unacceptable behaviors. The consequences should be clear and specific and should allow your child to learn from his or her mistakes. Then focus on finding ways to help your child recognize the desired behaviors and receive recognition for demonstrating them. Some parents use a “reward system” in which specific bad behavior result in lost privileges while good behaviors result in verbal praise or special privileges. Keeping a “score card” on the refrigerator and “tallying” behaviors for a week is one way to keep track. Wait for a predetermined number of negative behaviors before enforcing a consequence, so that the child has room to learn. Remember, there are varying ways to encourage behavioral changes, and you will want to find the method that best meets your child’s needs.
- Outline both the desired and unacceptable behaviors to your child. For each behavior, talk about how the rest of the family and/or others feel when your child behaves this way. Reaffirm how pleasant it is to be with your child when she or he is demonstrating the desired behaviors, as opposed to the unacceptable behaviors. Then discuss the ways you plan to respond to both desired and unacceptable behaviors. Be clear about specific consequences for unacceptable behaviors; the “rules” must be very clear. Expect to answer a lot of very specific questions from your child about how the plan will work.
- Once everyone understands the plan, follow through! Be prepared to recognize and respond to behaviors, when they happen.
When to Seek Additional Help…(read on)
When to Seek Additional Help
As with anything requiring your consistent effort, it takes time to bring about change. If you know you have a child with a strong will, it may take a little while longer to see results. Don’t give up. If things do not improve in time, you may need to seek additional help. Here are some signals to look for:
- Your child chooses to make no adjustments. A You have tried everything you know to try and nothing has worked.
- Your child has regular, uncontrollable emotional outbursts or mood swings.
- Your child has threatened to harm self or others. (Verbal threats can be deadly warnings. Let your child know that you will assume he or she is serious about any threat.)
- Your child’s actions or words interfere with social, academic, family, and/or spiritual development.
- Your child’s behaviors are continually disruptive to the family.
A pastor or family ministries professional can give you a referral or recommendation for a good family counselor. Remember to approach counseling as a family matter and not the problem of one family member. (To find a licensed family therapist in your area, you might try the online directory at www.aamft.org.)The Faith Perspective
We respect what we judge to have worth. As Christians we believe that every human being is created in God’s image. That makes a difference in how we react and respond in daily life. Do we view the slow checker at the grocery store as a person we greet and look at eye-to-eye or do our children see us treat the others who serve us as invisible? Do we speak politely to the police officer who pulls us over for running a red light and then spout all sorts of names while driving away as our kids listen from the backseat? Do we speak to our spouses and children as if we are talking to people with sacred worth? Our task as parents is to help our children understand that the umpire who makes a questionable call during a baseball game is a person of sacred worth who deserves to have his authority respected when he has been given the job of making close calls. We can teach our children to value their own opinions and views while offering others respect simply because they are God’s creations.
Jesus clearly tells us in Matthew that both words and actions convey our respect toward others. He says, “You’re familiar with the command to the ancients, ‘Do not murder.’ I’m telling you that anyone who is so much as angry with a brother or sister is guilty of murder. Carelessly call a brother ‘idiot!’ and you just might find yourself hauled into court.
Thoughtlessly yell ’stupid!’ at a sister and you are on the brink of hellfire. The simple moral fact is that words kill” (Matthew 5:22-23 from The Message).
Today make it a goal to remind your children that they and all they will meet are made by God. There is the spark of God in everyone.
Recommended Resources…(read on)
Recommended Resources
Books That Build Character: A Guide to Teaching Your Child Moral Values Through Stories, by William Kilpatrick and Gregory and Suzanne. M. Wolfe (Simon & Schuster, 1994).
Changing Your Child’s Heart, by Steve Sherbondy (Tyndale House Publishers, 1998).
501 Practical Ways to Teach Your Children Values, Bobbie Reed (Concordia Publishing House, 1998).
Raising Good Children, by Thomas Lickona (Bantam Books, 1994).
For more resources visit www.FaithHome.com
About the Author
D. Tony Rankin parents with his wife, Amber. They have three children: Drew, Caleb, and Katelin. When he’s not parenting, coaching baseball, or dancing with his daughter at her recitals, he is the director and clinical therapist of The Counseling Center in Nashville, Tennessee. In addition to numerous advice columns and magazine articles, he is the author of When True Love Doesn’t Wait. He enjoys speaking at seminars and conventions and has taught as an adjunct instructor in psychology and religion at Belmont University.
Scripture taken from The Message, Copyright © by Eugene H.
Peterson, 1993, 1994, 1995. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.
FaithHome for Parents provides the church
community with resources to support families
and help children to increase their faith,
confirm their hope, and perfect them in love.
Copyright © 1999 by Abingdon Press.
All rights reserved.
ISBN 068708879-8
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