Dealing with Death

This webpage is being created in the wake of the 7th anniversary of 9/11. Here ideas, suggestions and resources will be listed to aid in discussing this somber topic with children. It will be added to including other related topics and ideas as time goes on, but for now I’ll start with this letter from a school principal in CA to the students’ parents. It came from a former member of my church whose children attend the school. The principal’s message is filled with wonderful parenting information beyond the subject of talking with your kids, or not, and if so, how.

Greetings,

As today, 9/11, comes once again to pass, I find myself flush with different emotions. For many good reasons, it is worth reflection.

When I left home early this morning I thought about that day in 2001. I remember watching the first tower become aflame, never imagining what was about to unfold. So dramatic was that day that it now is fixed in a time warp of its own. It seems like it took place both long, long ago, and yet, just yesterday - all at the same time.

Nearly 1/3rd of the kids in school at Walnut Grove weren’t even alive on that day. The other 2/3rds were virtually babies at the time; subsequently incapable of grasping the enormity of that day. For those reasons, we will not take time to formally acknowledge 9/11 on campus today. Where appropriate, it will be noted. But formal, school-wide activities in recognition of 911 ended in 2003 with a ceremony, song and silence.

We will leave the issue of addressing this historic event up to individual families. In doing so, a few words of advice are in order.

First, take into consideration that your child probably has very little “schema” with which to understand this event. Concepts like terrorism, hijacking and martyrdom are complex and abstract concepts that are more likely to confuse and frighten children than they are to elucidate them.

Next, my rule of thumb for tragic events is this: provide only enough information to quell curiosity. Try not to answer questions in ways that might set off subsequent questions and raise additional fears. For example, the term “terrorist” is best replaced by one that does not activate fearful imaginings. Such terms are “adult code language” - we “get” it; we have experience, conceptual understanding and the background information to process the concept from an abstract notion to a concrete understanding.

Kids don’t. They will rely on their own schema (background knowledge), and they are just as likely to picture a monster, a non-human force or some other frightening misconception to bridge the gap from abstraction to concrete representation. Just labeling them as “people” allows kids to anchor the idea in something that - if nothing else - is factual and void of the codings that come only with time and experience.

Finally, model strength and the kind of response you want your child to emulate. If, for example, you are weepy, depressed or immobilized, you might expect the same from your child. On the other hand, if you demonstrate strength and confidence in your own personal security, kids will pick up on that and act accordingly.

The events of 9/11 have proven to be more dramatic than any of us might have expected seven years ago. The world has changed. It is the world that our kids were born into, and they have known nothing different. While we can neither erase the event nor alter its impact, we can remember that we have created a world for our kids that is very much unlike the one of our youth. It is important to remember that.

Perhaps even more important, we should remember continuously to shore-up the protective factors that help create resiliency and strength in our kids. While we can’t alter the course of world events, we can prepare our children to navigate through whatever circumstances they face.

These factors are manifold, but among other things they include love, caring, patience, understanding, justice and kindness. They come from family, community and friends. And they take form through the relationships that we develop with those we love, those we learn from and those with whom we commune.

Tragedy has a way of serving notice to those who are left to carry on. This weekend my daughter returns from a long absence (college). I look forward to her return with such excitement!

In the wake of 9/11, I will be a slightly different father. I am not certain how that will look. But I am resolved to NOT let the lesson be lost on me.

Warmly,
Bill Radulovich
AKA: Mr. Rad

Tagged as: childhood grief, children dealing with death, children dealing with grieving, death, teaching children, Unwanted Behaviors